Thursday, April 3, 2014

Here's S'more Advice For All The Southbound Folks!

I have been away from this blog for way too long.  Life got very complicated and now things are finally settling down with a new job, and other improvements.  I saw this the other day and thought it would be perfect to put up so you all understand Kentucky a little bit better! I promise to be better about posting from here on out!

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, (whatever state) there are a few handy things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles. For instance:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel- drive pickup truck and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. We can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If you hear someone exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this!" stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, GET TO THE NEAREST GROCERY STORE IMMEDIATELY! It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. It's called 'moseyin'
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
Never, ever, attack our religion or our 2nd Amendment rights. Somebody'll put a hurtin' on you real quick.
If you ever end up in a situation where you don't know what to say, just say "Howsyemomenem?"
If somebody ask you if you have any washin' powders they mean, laundry detergent.
If you see folks running, Just RUN! Something really bad has happened or is fixin' to!
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
Don't laugh at people's names, and don't say the word cornfed. Norma Jean, Tammy Sue, Betty Lou, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to WHOOP A MAN'S BUTT for much less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a butt kickin'! Down South, it's called Coke, even if it says Pepsi. (this is mostly the old timers)
Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team.
Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are extremely literate. (e.g., Welty, Williams, William Faulkner. We've also got plenty of business sense (e.g.,Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, Netscape & etc..). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time such as (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke).
Also, If we can't sang (sing).. can't NOBODY sang!
We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better!
We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your griping, and spend the money!
Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Michigan. Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will get the tarnation beat out of you faster.
Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your butt on back home.
We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first.
Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to BB-Q. You're mighty privileged to even be down here in the first place.
Have a nice day and y'all come back now, ya hear?
(This is all in good fun) Hope y'all got a laugh out of this.
Symanthia Guthrie
Mississippi and Friends