Here's S'more Advice For All The Southbound Folks!

I have been away from this blog for way too long.  Life got very complicated and now things are finally settling down with a new job, and other improvements.  I saw this the other day and thought it would be perfect to put up so you all understand Kentucky a little bit better! I promise to be better about posting from here on out!

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, (whatever state) there are a few handy things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles. For instance:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel- drive pickup truck and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. We can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If you hear someone exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this!" stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, GET TO THE NEAREST GROCERY STORE IMMEDIATELY! It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. It's called 'moseyin'

Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

Never, ever, attack our religion or our 2nd Amendment rights. Somebody'll put a hurtin' on you real quick.

If you ever end up in a situation where you don't know what to say, just say "Howsyemomenem?"

If somebody ask you if you have any washin' powders they mean, laundry detergent.

If you see folks running, Just RUN! Something really bad has happened or is fixin' to!

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at people's names, and don't say the word cornfed. Norma Jean, Tammy Sue, Betty Lou, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to WHOOP A MAN'S BUTT for much less than that.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a butt kickin'! Down South, it's called Coke, even if it says Pepsi. (this is mostly the old timers)

Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team.

Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are extremely literate. (e.g., Welty, Williams, William Faulkner. We've also got plenty of business sense (e.g.,Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, Netscape & etc..). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time such as (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke).
Also, If we can't sang (sing).. can't NOBODY sang!

We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better!

We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your griping, and spend the money!

Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Michigan. Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits.

Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will get the tarnation beat out of you faster.

Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your butt on back home.

We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first.

Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to BB-Q. You're mighty privileged to even be down here in the first place.

Have a nice day and y'all come back now, ya hear?

(This is all in good fun) Hope y'all got a laugh out of this.

Symanthia Guthrie
Mississippi and Friends

Guineas are funny little birds!

We have one remaining guinea from the 30 or so that I purchased shortly after we moved down here.  They are funny little birds from Africa and excel at eating ticks and bugs.  I figurde that this was exactly what we needed with our acreage here.
Over a period of time, things happened to them. Awful things. They ran away. Some got killed on the road.  One of the neighbors was popping them with a BB gun. And the old livestock guardian dog, a Great Pyrenees, murdered six in an evening, the only thing we could think of was that she was grumpy because of hip pain issues and they went near her feed bowl.  We felt just terrible about all of this.
We were left with one.  Jerry began calling him Hector (we think it's a boy).
Hector has become quite tame in spite of everyone telling us that this doesn't happen.  He sits on the roof, runs up and down it (I have to warn guests that we do NOT have ghosts in the house) and calls out his funny little cackle.  At night he gets in his tree to roost and reads the Guinea Evening News, sadly, there is no one to listen to him, the chickens aren't bright enough to understand, the goats only care about the price of hay and the horses have no interest in what has happened to Hector on the day.  He was quite lonely for a long time but then he discovered the corgis.  And he began to tease them.  One of the neighbors has a pup that comes over and runs up and down, wanting to play with the corgis, and Hector has been watching all of this.  For quite some weeks, he has been making a buzz or two along the edge of the fence, first with the puppies this spring, then with the adults.  Now he does it to all of them and the runs were getting longer and longer.
Today he ran for quite a while and Jerry said "you should be videotaping this" so I did.  I love to make videos and set them to music.  So here is Hector.  You will note that one dog chases him, then another one takes an interest, and then another.  See how many are chasing along the fence by the end!
I hope you enjoy it!
http://youtu.be/xItvEcqHUIQ

Chess Squares/pie/cake, Old Southern Recipe

We had a Puppy Party a few weeks ago, people came to get their new babies, and everyone brought something yummy, we had the grill out and ate ourselves silly.  There were just so many excellent things to try and I no longer eat like a lumberjack, so fortunately, most everyone left something behind.  I ate so good for a week!  :)
Susan brought something excellent called Chess Squares (and I've seen it as Chess Pie, too).  I finally got around to looking up the recipe.  Oh. My. God.  No wonder this stuff is so good.  It has not one redeeming ingredient in it.  You can feel your pants getting tighter, just looking at the photos of it!  See, here, let me show you how that works:

Susan left the leftovers behind, Jerry and I squabbled over who got the last piece.  It's truly delicious and well worth the calories.
Apparently this recipe has been around forever.  I'm adding it to my recipe file!
The best recipe I have found is here, simple, straightforward, and if you go through the comments, you can do it with lemon, coconut, chocolate, etc.  Just read through and see what works for people!
http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dessert/chess-squares.html
I hope you all enjoy this!

The Devil is Beating His Wife

When I was a kid growing up, my parents used to say "The devil is beating his wife" whenever we would have a rainstorm and the sun would be shining, too.  Although I have not heard anyone saying this here in Kentucky, it is a Southernism that I thought I would tell you all about.  I was thinking about it this morning, so I turned to wikipedia for an explanation:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunshower
So I guess the correct term is sunshower, so I have learned something this morning.
However, I used to think how silly someone was to ever marry the devil, wondered if he killed his wives and kept getting new ones because, really, who would WANT to marry the devil?  This was a deep theological question that I didn't dare ask our pastor or the local priest.  So, I still wonder that.  Does anyone know?  :)

I have to get one of these!

Once again we present our favorite subject, "Only in Kentucky!"  :)
As it happens, I was just driving to work one day.  Looking at the beautiful scenery, enjoying the sunshine.  I got as far as the corner intersection about three miles from the house and saw this sign.  And had to make sure I beat it back up to the intersection the next day before it disappeared. Because I couldn't believe what I was seeing!  I'm not a member of the NRA but I do believe in my second amendment rights and yes, we have guns here.  But not this:

I seriously did not even know they were legal to own!  Maybe you need a special permit?
I have heard of practice shooting and even a turkey shoot where the best shooter wins a turkey.  Or maybe there is a town in Kentucky called Machine Gun and the shoot is there?  Something tells me that none of this is probable.
Anyhow, I guess I have to get one. That way I can be sure of getting my deer this fall.  :)  Hamburger, anyone?

Names in Kentucky

I have written in a previous post about the wonderful names of towns in Kentucky.  I have discovered that the personal names of people are equally fun and unusual!  I have only run into a Bubba once here and will post on that story sometime in the future.

Here is a list of some of the best ones I’ve found so far:

Hollon

Linwood

Cleve

Tanner

Haywood

Efrian

Elzie

Lera (female)

Triggy

Macy

Delphus

Fllis

Rondal (also Rondell)

Dane

Roex

Tigar

Daron

Ody

Otha (I asked Otha where his name came from and he claimed he never asked his mother.)

Ody

Lenna

Isreal (spelled this way, too)

Condit

And my personal, all time favorite nickname is “Tater”.  Bobby “Tater” Thomas of Munfordville.

I will add unusual names as I find them.

And I have been told that there is a community called Bug Tussle nearby.

Dowsing

When we first moved to Kentucky, a good friend who had a huge background in water resources insisted that we have our septic tank pumped out.  So we did just that.  Not knowing a soul down here, I chose a name out of the local phone book which, as memory serves, was a very professional name, such as “Jim’s Septic Service”.  Well, it is Kentucky and a fella has to name his company something. 

Jim showed up in an older pump type of truck, hopped out, greeted me, shot the sh*t for a few minutes and we sized each other up.  Then he asked a question that I had no answer for.  “Where’s the tank?”

Uh.  I dunno?  I looked at him helplessly.  He surveyed the ground, thought about it for a minute and then said “I’ll bet it’s over there” and pointed to an expanse of grass just where my yard starts to ease into the horses’ pasture.  He said “We can find it.”  I thought maybe he had a map or something in his truck of where everyone in the county had their septic tanks, I mean, they do this for property lines, so maybe down here they added other important stuff, like the septic tanks and buried wires and things.  Nope.

What he pulled out was a highly unscientific piece of equipment.  It was a dowsing rod.  You can read about them here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowsing

I would like to point out to you the last sentence in the first paragraph:

There is no accepted scientific rationale behind dowsing, and there is no scientific evidence that it is effective.

Well, I saw this guy use this device and I saw it work.  He didn’t strike me as the kind of guy that would show off.  He just wanted to do his job and by golly, he found the septic line and then the tank, a couple of quick digs with his shovel and he found the lid easily.  I know the studies say it’s chance but I SAW this myself.  I asked about a hundred questions about it.  And unless it worked, why would he carry these metal posts around?  So he must have had good success with it.

The “how” and “why” questions still remain with me, though.